


everything i wanted

by flosculous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars - The Rise of Skywalker
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben Solo Lives, Ben Solo is a Mess, Developing Relationship, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Redeemed Ben Solo, Reylo - Freeform, TROS Fix IT, ben dies but lives, ben gets his hea, no rey skywalker only mentions of it, tros is mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21987226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flosculous/pseuds/flosculous
Summary: Rejecting Ben's hand once upon a time was a choice, a rapid decision made in a raging battle of swirling emotions. But accepting his death is nothing but a torture. She thinks if the stars were aligned the voices she heard could have spoken to him: he was so desperate to be loved, so deprived of familial bonds. He deserved so much more than a cold Sith chamber with no one but her to witness the greatness of his light.TROS spoilers - a fix it of sorts.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 53





	1. i had a dream

**Author's Note:**

> Since I have watched TROS and my heart broke into tiny pieces I made decision to publish short multi chapter fix it fic.

> _“I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”_
> 
> \- Margaret Atwood

In her dreams he is all she sees. 

_His brown eyes wide and warm as Jakku's sunlight, searching for her broken soul as his lips tremble - his touch so familiar and soft. He holds her close to him; his skin touching her neck and she has never felt so alive. So content. He looks so happy, so sure of who he is, emotions swirl inside his stare as the light slowly but surely flickers and dies._

_She hears his chuckle, sees his dimples as his arms quiver with a desperate need to stay. The will of life clinging onto him before his body drops and with it her own heart. The bond screams, tears her open, the pain so unthinkable that she has never felt like that before._

Then he's gone.

When she wakes up - alone and tired, her head is pounding with the force of her heartbeat. She can't move from her hand-made bed as the agony of severed connection crashes into her with waves of hopelessness. Her cheeks are red and clammy, the tears buried in her chestnut hair as she fights to breathe. The world around her spins, the splashes of beige and yellow mix with each other and somewhere in between them she can spot black hues of her naïve mind. It's harder when with each day her hope wavers; at first she had told herself to wait, to count days as she used to do on another desert planet. So she did, she would take her new lightsaber and sit on her knees watching binary sunset over and over again. Sometimes she was almost certain he would arrive, her throat would squeeze and her eyes would burn. Electric shock from the remains of their bonds gently ebbing into her mind, but the sensation always turned out to be wrong. So she's done it every day, every one bringing more bitterness than the previous one. 

She can hear BB8 rolling around the house but Rey remains motionless. Her bones are heavy and the unforgiving feeling of guilt and shame creeps upon her lips as she shakes. Whenever she thinks about _him_ she ends up being tormented by the visions of future they could have had, had he not died. She could easily imagine them living together in a house, maybe bigger than this one, surrounded by their beautiful, innocent children - and at that thought she cries out loud. The rawness of her moan stills the droid but she doesn’t care. After months of searching belonging she hoped for- Ben was the true definition of it, yet he left her alone. Rey often finds herself wondering why. Maybe if she wasn't so special, maybe if she was a real scavenger, a passing by no one, Ben Solo wouldn't have to give up his life force for her to carry the galaxy on her shoulders again. And if she possessed more bravery she would have told the Resistance that in fact there were two heroes. She closes her eyes and the memory of cheers and happiness bring her only sadness. For Rebels she is the hope - the one who killed the threat, but she knows, _she knows_ she wouldn't have done that without him. Fate works strangely, she muses, Ben's help in killing Snoke and Palpatine made her the hero everyone hoped for. Yet he remains unnamed, forgotten and so suddenly dead. Her fingers tremble when she finally moves and sits with a painful sigh. She can still recall how soft his hair was and smell his masculine scent whenever she goes too deep inside her head. It's as if he was right beside her, still alive, still trying to be just Ben. 

Her head whips at the sound of shattered glass and with a slow motion she rises and stops. BB8 chirps loudly next to her leg but she can't get herself to answer any of his questions. She's gotten used to the silence, moving around the borders of her home in a lethargic haze. Nobody visits her so it would have been either wind or Luke's ghost trying not to interfere with her mourning. Yet the tingling on her fingers makes her believe it's been her own power and the disgust clings to her like a second skin. 

_Rey, Rey of Jakku, Scavenger, Rey Palpatine, Rey Skywalker._

Not even one seems to suit her. When the older woman asked her about her last name she did have a thought, for a few nanoseconds, to call herself a Solo. Would it suit her better? Would it bring some kind of comfort? 

She shakes her head and begins to walk into the direction of a wall she hoped to never see again. If she had put her hand against the old metal she would have found herself back on Jakku. But this time, here, the numbers are much smaller - they don't align in rows. However as her fingers trace the lines the pain she feels is much stronger than the one from her past. It overpowers her and leaves her without a voice for a couple of minutes before she slowly marks another one and walks out of her home. 

The heat is unforgiving as she squints her eyes to see if anything has changed. Hot sand sweeps through her shoes and she wrinkles her nose - it's an unpleasant feeling yet it makes her more comfortable. With the Tatooine's breeze on her face she contemplates her loneliness. Leia's ghost doesn't talk much, she's mostly silent - sometimes looking over mountains made of sand in a vain hope of seeing her son coming back. Rey almost pities her, _almost_ , because she does that too. She waits. 

She knows everything about waiting so the hours become a blur in her daily schedule. Her eyes spot the place she always chooses to sit and she slowly makes her way there with a stern expression. When she thinks about the possibilities they both had she conducts that the most unbearable one is the reality she lives in - had she died she wouldn't have to live so aimlessly on the verge of giving up. There's nothing strange when she squats down and looks at the barren horizon. Ben wouldn't like this place, it's empty and so lifeless she smirks - because some images of him don't hurt as much as the real memories of his tragedy. If she could turn back time she would have been more greedy. She would have put more trust into a man who knew her and accepted her flaws and unexplained anger. They both deserved more, more time, more love, more of each one and what they got was only a tiny drop of what it could have been. Her hazel irises flicker towards the sky in a vain hope of finding a foreign ship. 

Everyone thinks she prefers her solitude and maybe that's why she decides upon her seclusion after nights full of nightmares. No one knows her, no one understands her the way Ben did and the realization is claustrophobic like her new prison on Tatooine. Her friends don't bother with visits because they are busy with their excitement of new destination possibilities, but Rey can't and won't move from here. She can hear lightsabers calling her, whispering promises she knows they won't keep - they didn't save Ben. 

_Ben._

_Ben Solo._

Her chin wobbles and her heart clenches as if someone shot her with a blaster. He wanted to save her the way she wanted to save him - yet he had managed. The visions of their hands touching sends shivers down her spine as she angrily wipes her tears away. Ben has tried to be good, and he was - he was so utterly good that it made him a perfect target for the fatal abuse and fall into the darkness. The more she reminisces about his journey the more she feels. If anything his death only assured her of her feelings towards him. Towards a man she thought of a monster. But how a monster could possibly be that kind and vulnerable enough to give up his own life for the one he loved so much? Rey might not be a princess or scholar yet she knows, _she is sure_ of the love he abhorred for her - it shone in his actions and in his words. On this desert she has quieted down a bit, the haze of laziness and barren landscape makes it easier to actually think about everything that has transpired. She wonders why it was her that Leia and Luke tried to help and not their own kin? She can't understand their actions, especially when Ben is dead and his hopes and fears were never achieved. Sometimes she watches ghosts of the siblings and feels anger, the accusations sting inside of her mouth yet she doesn't yell. She just stares with tears of hopelessness at the faces Ben Solo needed in his troubled life. Rey used to ask them one word, "why?" - but the features of Leia would only twist in an unreadable expression. She could decipher guilt and shame, emotions so raw and powerful she would stumble to her room and hug her chest to her knees in a vain attempt to overpower the pain. If the Skywalker twins were in a mourning denial she was a body without skin. The force bond still present, still alive on her part but so dead and cold on the other side. It's like living with a severed limb, a phantom pain when she catches herself probing into the connection with a frown on her face. She can feel traces of his presence, light and bright but not him. Never him. 

The droid beeps again, rolling its body on the sand in an attention seeking manner as Rey rolls her eyes at its doing. 

"You are loud and clingy," she teases with a pat of her hand on its head. BB8 attacks her with questions and stuff she's truthfully not interested in. "I'm sorry but we can't go and see Poe," her words make him oddly silent before he rolls around her in a whirl of squeaks and beeps. "It's you and me," her eyes roam around the horizon with a small specks of hope. 

If there's anything else Rey feels, it's longing - even stronger than the one from her previous years of searching for her family. That feeling gnaws at her heart, twist the muscles in her body so she is all but bones full of loneliness and emptiness. She puts her chin on her hand and blinks the tears away. Because rejecting Ben's hand once upon a time was a choice, a rapid decision made in a raging battle of swirling emotions. But accepting his death is nothing but a torture. She thinks if the stars were aligned the voices she heard could have spoken to him: he was so desperate to be loved, so deprived of familial bonds. He deserved so much more than a cold Sith chamber with no one but her to witness the greatness of his light. If Ben was ever a star, Rey muses, he would have been the brightest one out there. His smile only could heal whole galaxy. Her hand grips her knee and she sobs. The bond weeps with her, the broken connection burns with a pain so great she wishes she had died next to him the moment he gave up his life for her. 

_For Rey. Just Rey._

He accepted her as a person, as a whole. Not as a name, only as his soulmate. He didn't need her to be a hero, she knows that his pleas of joining his side were never aimed at her turning but it was the need of her companionship he longed for. Ben was and _is_ her home, she decides and the tears don't stop. The irony of their short lived happiness echoes inside her head as she stubbornly watches the sky. Rey knows, _knows_ the disadvantages on her side but she will wait. Today, tomorrow, in a month and even in the next years. She doesn't want anyone more than she wants Ben to come back. So sitting in a sand which gets into her white tunic and her training shoes she grits her teeth and steels her resolve. 

She would wait, _she would_ , because she's scared if he comes back and no one is there to welcome him, he would be distraught and even more broken. She can't let him feel this way anymore. Because Ben Solo is loved, he is needed and worth the wait, no matter how long she has to scrub the lines on an old wall. BB8 looks at her with a sad sound coming from his droid belly. 

"Yeah, me too," she whispers and stares at the landscape with a hole in her heart. 

* * *

When she wakes up again, she doesn't remember how long it's passed since she came to that cursed planet. She coughs the sand away and before she crawls from her cot she looks at her hands ans sighs. The dreams of Ben's death slowly vanish from her mind and she would have been glad if it wasn't suspicious. So she slowly drags her body upwards, wincing at the pain shooting across her skull. The bond burns with an electricity and she winces when her vision blacks out for a couple of minutes. It's been like that for a month, the headaches and an odd vertigo make her life more miserable than it already was. Her bare feet touch the ground and she quietly moves to the kitchen in a need of water. Her throat burns and for a while she tries to remember the nightmare she had - but the purple fog cloaks her dreams and she only deepens her frown. 

She's alone in the interior when BB8 rolls in a full speed crashing into her knees with rapid beeps and yelps. Rey watches his movements with a raised brow before she sees a red button on his corpus suggesting he has a message from one of her friends. 

Her anxiety spikes as she walks towards the chair and sits observing orange ball of movements. She knows she practically cut the ties to the Resistance when she decided on not answering any holos - she's greedy that way and maybe scared. Scared because she didn't tell anyone about Ben in case of their hatred. And she would have bore the dislike towards her actions but she couldn't have stomach the hate aimed at Ben when he can't even defend himself from accusations of his deeds. Rey has chosen the path where she atones for their sins and for the lost opportunities. Her belief in her friends is strong but she is content that their reactions to their bond and relationship would destroy her shield. So she sits and waits, the tingling sensations of nervousness rises up her spine as she twists her body in an attempt to sooth her tired muscles. Sometimes she wants to leave this planet, move somewhere green and wet, yet the wails of her bond keeps her cocooned in her sand castle awaiting for someone who could still return. Her eyes take the wall in, the lines got bigger but still not so expanded as the ones on Jakku and she's glad for that. The droid beeps again and she lazily reaches out for his antenna fixing it as its body crashes into her legs again and again. Curling her lips she pushes the button and lets a loud breath out. There are some static sounds with a words she can't understand before she can see the materialised version of Finn and Poe - oh and she can see a beaming smile of Rose next to her best friend. They look as if they try to make the connection better before they erupt in a bitter laughter. 

"Rey? I think it's working," small woman says and waves her hand in the air. 

"Oh yes, move a bit, a bit more," dark skinned man appears and he flashes her bright smile that sparks some cheer in her joyless life. "Hey, long time no see. Well we had been sending you those messages but it seems like you didn't get a chance to open them," his brows are furrowed and he looks serious for a moment. 

"Rey, you can't just disappear and pretend we don't exist," Poe's voice is angry and tired; his eyes are bloodshot and she can pin point the bags under his eyes. "Especially when we needed you here, we even tracked the Falcon," his hand runs through his hair and Rey shivers because they know where she is, they knew and they didn't come back to drag her back to the Rebels. 

"We are worried, you've been oddly silent and unresponsive since the battle," Rose whispers and sends her a tiny smile. 

"Maybe if you finally decide to see this holo you are going to change your mind about coming back to us," Finn says and she can see how tense everyone suddenly looks like. As if they were hiding something, she grips the table and leans forward. 

"Listen, we don't know what happened in Exegol, we won't pretend we understand how you survived all of that but there's something you need to know or better to say see," the pilot grumbles and puts his arms crossed on his chest. They look at each other and nod. She remembers chants of Sith lords, she remembers the fear creeping upon her arms and for the most part she remembers how lonely and utterly alone she felt before Ben's arrival. 

"We were just getting our base ready on Chandrila when something strange has occurred," Finn scratches his head and stops before continuing. "You know we didn't tell anyone where we will be stationed for a while, Connix suggested Chandrila due to Leia's notes she left behind and we haven't even told half of our supporters," he mumbles with his eyes wide open. 

"Cut the crap Finn, we should get to the point," the other male snaps and Rey winces at his harsh tone. "So you can imagine our surprise when Kylo _fucking_ Ren landed his TIE right after we opened connections to our alliance," her heart stops and she can't hear or feel anything than her bond screaming in agony she hadn't experienced since the day Ben died. She stumbles and falls on the ground, griping her shirt and cries out. It's so desperate, her throat burns with the power of her scream as her mind swirls around galaxy with white noise in her ears. Her body shakes and she gasps when finally she can breathe - the air coming through her windpipe in steady gulps. The bond, she shivers, she can feel it even more right now. It flaps against her conciousness as she tries not to pass out from the extortion she has previously experienced. How? Ben's signature is a flicker in the desert yet she can deduct his pulse, it's faint and almost non existing, barely holding on. Her head snaps towards the holo once again with traces of her tears hiding in her hairline. 

"He is unresponsive, got out of the ship and fell down," Rose informs and Rey moans. "He's seriously wounded and for a long time he couldn't even breathe on his own, the med droid has been his life supply," she can't hear that, she crawls on the floor and sobs into her hands. He was alive and hurting the whole time she has waited for him on this damned planet. With ghosts of his past suffocating her life force, with the phantom pain of their broken connection. Her fingers quiver as she releases her pain, the way her body was full of brokenness she didn't know, the headaches and lack of dreams, she should have had noticed it before. She should have known. The guilt attacks her when she weeps for her and for Ben, for the months spent on waiting for him, for the loneliness he must have experienced when he didn't found her. 

"Rey, please," she stills for a second. "You have to come back and talk about this with us, he can't be trusted but Maz doesn't let us do anything to him," her sigh is audible and sound. 

"He only speaks your name, in his coma state the only thing he utters is your name," Finn's words crash into her with millions of emotions and she clasp the button again and her friends vanish. 

_Ben is alive._

_Ben Solo didn't die._

Rey curls herself into her own legs and lets herself heal from the wounds they both acquired. 


	2. i got everything i wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart is still broken. Star Wars movies were always my coping mechanism and right now it's a hell. Hopefully this manages to heal some wounds.

> _“Your heart will fix itself. It’s your mind you need to worry about. Your mind where you locked the memories, your mind where you have kept pieces of the ones that hurt you, that still cut through you like shards of glass. Your mind will keep you up at night, make you cry, destroy you over and over again. You need to convince your mind that it has to let go…because your heart already knows how to heal.”_
> 
> _\- Nikita Gall_

Before she leaves Tatooine she packs her belongings and stares at the wall with the perfect lines on it. The thing is oddly hopeful as she counts how much time has passed since she lost her other half. It's been almost three months, she can't believe how passive she was here - unmoving like the landscape she used to stare at while awaiting for Ben. When her small backpack is full she shrugs and exits wet farm only to glance at Luke's ghost sitting on sand. Rey feels complicated and angry at Skywalker's siblings yet she can't bring herself to outwardly hate them for being such a disappointment to Ben. She doesn't want to speak to him, so she moves towards the place where she buried the lightsabers. It's not like she desires to get them back, she has already made her own one but the thought of Ben waking up defenceless and without something that connects him to his family makes up her mind. Her hand shots up, hovering in the air. She can see the earth moving and her handmade material box breaches the surface.

Grasping it in her palms she dusts off small grains of sand while scanning her surroundings once again. She doesn't want to come back here in the nearest future, this desert only deepened her miserable anguish. The vast emptiness of the planet's landscape hasn't brought her peace of mind - on the contrary it has brought her even more hatred towards such places. Rey spots BB8 rolling around on his way to the Falcon but before she follows his path she softly stumbles feeling gentle ebb of the Force around her. She closes her eyes and breathes through her nose.

"You're finally on your way?" her neck snaps at General Organa's voice. She's still in white but she looks more tired than she has ever looked - the wrinkles are prominent on her expressive face, brown eyes, so much like Ben's ones, are kind enough to look straight through her turmoil. She doesn't trust her tongue and simply nods, desperately searching for anything she can deliver to her only child. "It's not a place for you," she mentions the house behind her and Rey's eyes travel to look at her sand prison as heat covers her sticky cheeks. It's not that she's embarrassed by the way she was barely living here, waiting for Ben to come back - it's the way she understands that Ben wouldn't have wanted her to live in such conditions.

"I'm not going to return," her throat burns and she realizes she hadn't spoken much in the time of her Tatooine's confinement. She doesn't break the eye contact with Leia as her resolve to save her son only deepens. The older woman smiles at her words but Rey doesn't have a strength to reciprocate it, the more she looks at her master the more tortured she feels - it reminds her the night when she had learnt the truth about Ben's past, how Luke twisted the story to make himself look better. "Why?" she repeats the question with a wetness on her face. She has to know, she can't move forward without proper explanation. Because Ben deserves to know answers to all the questions he has - someone so brave and pure like him, abused and left alone while constantly trying to battle the pull to light. Barely existing due to the belief no one wanted him. Her chest convulses with a power of disappointment she has repressed.

"Tell him that I'm proud," her ghost flickers and she closes her eyes with irritation reaching an overbearing momentum. She can feel the burning sensation in her palm but with a slow exhale she lets go of this darkness. Her foot kicks the sand in a manifestation of her anger and with a stern expression she turns away, leaving both of Skywalkers behind her. They don't deserve Ben, the whole galaxy turned against him and when finally he brought the balance they still are behaving like cowards. Rey doesn't want to be like them, she isn't going to repress the role of Ben Solo to anyone. The Falcon shines in the unforgiving rays of the two suns, she puts her fingers to see if there is any disturbance in the air - but of course, Tatooine's barren lands aren't inviting enough. The closer to the cockpit she is the more emotions she feels. There is excitement but also guilt, _guilt_ she has started to feel when she thought Ben died for her. She wasn't worth his life but she could understand why he would believe that he didn't deserve to live - he always assumed no one wanted him, that no one waited for him to come back. Rey sits on the pilot's seat and assures herself that she's the one who is going to change his perspective. She will be there to watch his eyes open and he's going to see her, experience her waiting for him with open arms, with her heart so easy to decipher. Her hands absent mindedly put the correct coordinates for the planet she's going for - if she can, she is going to heal whatever wound Ben's carrying. She will be his guardian and his companion and she will never let go of him. She has already experienced period of time trying to accept his death and the world and galaxy couldn't close the gap he left in her chest - his prominent figure never leaving her mind and heart since his disappearance. Being sure of her feelings makes her surprisingly content and figuratively at peace. There is no distinction between Kylo Ren and Ben. Ben has already killed Kylo Ren because of his love for her and the pull to the light. She lets herself smile, only for a second before she pushes green button and stares at the record option. Her skin ignites with a fire as she clicks the word trying to maintain her tears at bay.

"It's Rey, I'm coming to Chandrila," her words are simple yet the meaning of them sends shivers down her spine. She palms the steering controls and moves her eyes towards the cam once again. "Please take care of him till I arrive," she mumbles and cuts the connection with a huff leaving her lips. She straightens her bones and with a slow and cautious flow she probes at the bond she shares with Ben. It still hurts, her forehead wrinkles at the pain she's experiencing but she proceeds further - she can feel her own despair, Ben's signature from somewhere so far away, her mouth opens in a silent yelp as the bond closes before she can touch the other side of their dyad. Her body slumps against the chair and she heaves with a sigh escaping her. _It's there_ , she thinks, the power of Ben's life. It's small, barely palpable but it's there and it's the most beautiful thing she's felt since their kiss on Exegol. Her muscles spasm from the effort but she clasps her hands on the controls and with determined smile she starts the engines and flies towards her destiny.

* * *

When she comes off the hyperspace she almost jumps out of her seat as her eyes take in the most glorious shades of blue and green displayed before her. She can almost sense the life and thousands of possibilities laid in front of her - she has to remind herself that she has to put the ship down so her sightseeing can be delayed for later. Chandrila at the first sight looks like Takodana, but when she comes closer to the land she actually sees calm seas, the water so turquoise and clear she gasps - the more she stares the more beauty she absorbs. The rolling hills look so extraordinary and the new found adoration of this planet bursts sparks of hope and happiness inside her. Rey's hands, even though, they are shaking from emotions steer the Falcon down in a gentle and elegant manner as it sits on the ground. Her fingers click on the controls and as she hears engines cool off she swiftly escapes the cockpit and quickly grabs her stuff. She's so close to Ben, the tingling sensation of their bond flickers around her when she finally comes down onto the greenest grass she's ever seen. The air hits her lungs making her stagger from the crisp and soft smell of it - warm specks of wind play with her loose hair as she looks at the surrounding her scenery. Closing her eyes she lets herself relax, the muscles of her body trembling from the journey. It's as if time has stopped, she can hear birds chirping from somewhere far away, probably a forest - clogs in her head swirl with words from the texts she's read on Tatooine - the birds, they are probably Bulabirds. She turns around to face a lake or a sea, she's not sure, and with a ghost of smile she walks towards it. The water is lukewarm and inviting, she squats down to wet her hand and experiences the feeling of a crystal clear liquid surrounding her skin.

She almost cries.

She will never return to covered in sand and empty planets.

Her tranquillity is stopped by the white and orange droid whirling in one place to get her attention. Rey's face scrunches in a tired frown but it quickly vanishes as she sees tall trees and flowers she doesn't know the names of. _Never again_ , she swears, never again she will experience haunting landscapes. She lets herself smile as she runs in the direction of a path leading to the Resistance's new base. In her walk she stops few times to imprint the colors in her mind, to breath in the air coming from the highest of trees, also to watch strange species of animals she has never encountered. It's like as if she has never moved from Jakku and the realization tastes bitter on her tongue as she finally stops in front of an enormous building and buzzing square of people and pilots. Some of them glance in her direction or awkwardly wave at her but she tries not to engage in any conversation or welcoming hugs. The base is so alive it irritates her at first but as she moves through the masses of people she slowly gets used to such aliveness of it all. She looks into a ship hangar and stills as she spots her friends discussing something under one of the X-wings, probably trying to deduct what's wrong with it. Before she can stop BB8, it rolls at amazing speed towards its real owner and Rey bites her lower lip with anxiety creeping up her neck.

"Oh, BB8! I've missed you buddy," Poe's voice is carried by an echo in the huge interior and she decides on walking in their direction with what she feels a troubled expression on her face. "Looking good," the man scratches the droid on its sides. "Too much sand? Tell me about it," he laughs but the laughter stops as his eyes spot her person.

"Rey!" she whips her head at the shout of her best friend and his huge arms circle around her middle with a crushing force. Her soft whimper is lost in the crook of his neck as he spins her around. "You look," he searches for the perfect word but she knows she looks like a hell. "Nice," his smile flatters as he really looks at her. "You've lost some weight," Finn says and she only shrugs.

"I didn't have a time to cook," her statement is met with blank faces of her friends but she slowly hugs Rose and pats her back. "You all had fun without me, huh?" she questions while roaming around the ship with false curiosity. They don't answer right away which makes her twitchy and more nervous. But she has promised herself to be brave, just like Ben - to keep his legacy and discus the thing he has done to help her.

"Yeah, kind of, not a typical day at the base when Kylo Ren crashes the party," Poe's gaze never leaves her as she decides to stand in front of the three of them. "So, are we getting an explanation? Or can I plug the tube off of him?" he rises his voice and she winces.

"Can you let her at least tell what's happened?" Rose's inquiry is laced with irritation and Rey wonders if it's aimed at her.

"It's not Kylo Ren for the starters," she whispers and repositions herself to look more intimidating. "His name is _Ben Solo_ , the son of General Organa and Han Solo," the warmth in her chest expands as she proceeds to defend him. "And he helped me destroy Palpatine, he had given up his life force to bring me back from the death," her breathing quickens as she doesn't want them to interrupt her. "Long before when you all had thought it was me who killed Snoke it was Ben Solo's hand that carried the fatal wound, he killed him to save my life," she doesn't want to look at their shocked features so she glances at the TIE standing in the back of the hangar. "It was him. It was always him, he did want me to join him, but not to turn dark - he was needing me. As I need him," the truth rolls from her mouth with flickers of Force around her. "We both have this bond, it's been like that for over a year, we could see each other, talk. He never absorbed any information about Resistance because he always wanted to be next to me," if the she hadn't cried so many times she would have had more tears to despair about the man who is a part of her whole life. "Ben has helped me, trusted me, he has showed me that I can be myself and not be ashamed of what I am, or who I don't want to be; he accepted everything that I am. And he knew, he knew bringing me back would result in his death but yet he was sure enough to let himself die only for me to live," the wetness of her voice and the hotness on her cheeks make her look as if she is ready to break down. But she won't. "He has been abused almost all his life, he made mistakes but haven't we all? We have also killed people on the other side. Have you ever thought about their lives? If they had families? We were on opposite sides of war, we were enemies. But that's changed since _we--_ ," she stops and tiny sobs escape her mouth as she presses her trembling hand to cover her face. Why hasn't she done that before? What if Ben truly died and no one would have known about his sacrifice? "I'm sorry for not telling you, but I'm not sorry for having feelings for him," she steals a quick glance at their expressions fearing they would hate her even more. But Rose is also weeping. Finn has a frown on his face but his mouth is slightly open - Poe, Poe looks as if he could collapse in any second.

"Damn both of you," he shouts and with a hateful look he walks out of the interior and Rey bites insides of her mouth so hard she can taste the blood.

"Finn, please," she mumbles but her best friend only shakes his head with a strange look crossing behind his eyes. "I know it sounds crazy, but please give him a chance. Everybody gave you one when you decided you want to change," her hand grasps his forearm and she makes him look at her pleading irises. "He's good, you have to know. You can feel the light in him, can't you?" The desperation on her part is slowly building as she's becoming more scared of their rejection than before.

"Rey, it's a bit too much for one time," he whispers yet his hand never leaves her own. He looks down and sighs. "But you are right about me feeling his force signature. It's light and I couldn't believe it when they brought him to the med wing," he supplies and she frantically nods at every word he utters.

"Ben is kind, please, believe me," she shots a desperate look at Rose who only cries harder. "Give him a chance, if it weren't for him I would have died there alone," her revelation shakes her friends as they look at each other and then at her. The fight for Ben isn't finished.

"Rey, hey, easy," her sight is blurred by her tears as she sniffs at Finn's voice. "You need to rest, we are going to talk about K--," he abruptly stops. "About Ben later. Okay?" She feels herself agreeing. The rest is a speck of colors and yells but all she can feel is the gentle waves of the force bond cocooning her into oblivion as she passes out.

* * *

When she wakes up, she's disoriented and scared. She didn't dream about Ben or Exegol, she actually didn't dream at all. Her head erupts in pain as she tries to move so she slowly lays on the bed again - the pillows too soft to her liking but nevertheless they help with her headache. Her bones are heavy and tired, as if she had weighted a tone or even more. She tries to connect the dots, Falcon flight, green landscape and her disagreement with Poe and Finn. Rey feels fuzzy and oddly clammy, as if she had a temperature. Her mind buzzes with questions so bizarre and strange that she doesn't notice where she is. The walls and the ceiling are white and pristine, the color hurts her eyes as she blinks the itchiness away - her hand comes up to put some kind of a barrier between the blinding sensation and her potent to pain eyes. She stops as she sees needle plunged to her arm and just before the fear kicks in her panicked breathing alarms med droid that comes to her aid.

"Miss Rey, please rest assured we didn't do anything that could harm you," it chirps as she exhales loudly from the sudden exhaustion. "You are being given liquid vitamins for your rapid recovery. You are horribly malnourished, your organism almost gave up when you landed on Chandrila. Please keep your head low, the cause of headaches is yet to be declared but I'm more inclined to the idea of it being connected to your Force abilities," she truthfully doesn't listen to all of the things the droid is telling her as a new feeling touches her skin and mind. It's gentle, almost like a ghostly touch of someone's fingers, it vibrates under her ribcage with something like anticipation.

"Where am I? Med wing?" her throat burns but she needs her answers. The droid beeps in agreement and she realizes. That soft ebb is coming from the other side of her room, she quickly stands up not minding screams of her assistant and with bare feet she runs to the other interior. The door closes behind her with a loud bang but she doesn't care. Her wild hair comes across her eyes as she finally sees Ben. He is laying on a bed like hers but he looks too big for such a tiny cot. His chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm but the mask on his lips and nose remind her that it's him being supported to breathe. She can feel his presence, still so small and almost gone but it surrounds her as fast it can. Her steps are cautious as she makes her way towards his side - his black hair displayed like a dark halo around his head. He looks so peaceful and young, she grips his huge hand and feels her tears dropping onto his arm.

" _Ben_ ," she whispers as her lips kiss his knuckles. He is so warm, so close to her yet so far away. "I'm here," her hand massages his muscles as her eyes take his appearance in. _Kriff_ , how she has missed him. Her whole body sags against him as the sobs wreck her whole person. The thought of him being dead was eating her alive, she wouldn't have a purpose in her life without him by her side. The visions of their future intertwined with each other seemed mocking her for the months she's lived believing he may not return. Ben is right next to her, she can touch him, she can feel him. Her heart leaps with new hope as she places another kiss on his breastplate. "I will never leave you again," she cups his cheek and remembers his smile. The bond starts to burn and she curses at the timing, she wants this moment to last forever yet the connection ripples through her as if she was thrown into a sea of cold water. Rey squeezes Ben's hand in a vain attempt to give herself more strength to overcome that painful experience. Yet the force of the bond being moulded, opened then suddenly closed, then reopened again leaves her breathless against his unmoving body. She can see start dust as the white noise of their connection rips through her eardrums. The bond surges through her skull, then through her chest as she heaves and tries to block whatever is happening. She sees stars and hears voices but the scenes change so fast she becomes nauseous. The flicker of pulse somewhere in the back becomes so loud she has to put her hands against her temples. She feels as if she can't breathe, the agony is so hard to overcome yet as she sees shadows behind the glass in the cave she tries to focus her energy. The shadow moves towards her. Two figures merge into one - the fog is vanishing, she can almost see the person in her reflection. Then a loud sound crashes into her as she is plunged under water.

_I'll come back for you, sweatheart._

She trembles as the noise vanishes and the only thing she sees is herself on Jakku when her parents left her. When she turns she is on the Exegol but she's alone, the chants of Sith lords echo through the empty chamber as she desperately wants Ben to come - but he doesn't. Palpatine shots his hands upwards and she's being pushed into the pit. Her body crumbling and breaking even before she touches the ground.

"Rey," her eyes snap open at the sound of a whimper. She's not on Exegol anymore, she's curled on a seat next to bed. She's not alone. Her irises find brown eyes staring at her with the force that could shake whole galaxy.

He did come back.

**Author's Note:**

> We going healing and bendemption.


End file.
